The Woman Who Saved Arnie. Tales from the English Lake District, #5

This little Quick Flash extravaganza is actually 'two' Q F extravagan'zaz'. Yes, they have 'zaz'! Can you believe that?!Two instead of one. Let that great news sink in, try not to faint. Through your tears of joy, look out of the window. The day has suddenly become more beautiful, the sky is blue and the hole in the ozone layer is completely undetectable (so why is your bloody skin peeling off?). The clouds are white, fluffy, wispy and are creating wonderful pictures of Chernobyl scenes in the sky (never be fooled by the natural aesthetic beauty of fluffy white clouds) .
smashing!Your food (boiled cabbage and economy beans) will now taste better and as for your new, heightened sense of smell . the smell of the chemical effluent from the grey, ugly chemical plant in on the land just beyond your garden is more pleasant. That's because overnight they have begun to manufacture lavender air freshener instead of ammonia for smelling salts. Mind you, the ammonia was handy for reviving you after your partner had knocked you out in the garden for failing to flush again (I'm assuming you're a woman?) It is you see a lot easier on your chin to flush the stool away.
That's just the beginning of your wonderful new world and all because you received two Quick Flashes instead of one. People in places like Manchester have reported that it feels a lot better going to the park when they're expecting to have two flashes from flashers showing their wares instead of just one. Men who have just one lady jumping onto the path from a bush and opening their rain macs to them as they are walking through the park to work always report doing better at work and spend much less on prescription tranquillisers and shrinks than those who only get the one flasher treatment.
So there you go . better general scenery and fewer Prozacs to get you through the day; can't be bad can it. The stories? Well, the truth is, I hate giving away stories, but, as it's you. The first is a flash about Arnold Swarzy-negger. He once had a problem and was aided by a woman I knew. The Visitor is about a thing most people see as a horrible pest. These are preceded by the usual preceder which is a little flash on the life of an indie writer and in this case, debt.
OH. MY. GOD! That's three QFs! Wow! Take a look outside. The sky will be fluffier and the clouds black with Chernobyl fallout, which is great fertiliser, so pray for rain .