Finding God

I have learned by the wisdom of Solomon in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 there is a time for everything. "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: 2, a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3, a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4, a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5, a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6, a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7, a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8, a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace."I have been through many seasons in my life.
I was born premature. I wept for understanding of my disabilities. I hated them, I kept silent for many years my inner pain. I sought peace with God and did not always embrace his love. I have learned to cast away my hate toward all those bullies in my life. I have learned to speak out and share my scar's. I have healed a broken heart emotionally, and physically. I have faced death more times than I would wish on anyone.
I have laughed and I have felt sorrow. I have been judged, and I have judged others and myself more severely, then others have judged me. I have sought to take my own life, and I have built up that life. I have faulted loves ones and I have lost those loved one. I have felt that loss more deeply for not understanding their sacrifice for raising a difficult child. An infant they could have given up at birth.
Instead, they faced the challenge and refused to give up on me, even when I gave up on myself. When I went searching for God, I may have felt he was never there for me when my prayers were unanswered as a young child seeking death. I was wrong, God and his Son Jesus Christ was always there even if I didn't see them or felt them sitting on my shoulders. To that elder who doubted my faith, that my light wasn't bright enough.
He failed to see who was sitting on my shoulders. I didn't have to find God he was there all along. This story is about 70 years in the making, looking for God.